Private Texts to Public People

Stuart Kime

Jul 01, 2025

For delivery on the “Human Internet”. If you know any of these people in real life, tell ‘em I said it. 🗣️👋

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🗣️ Steven Colbert

T***p and isPotato are pound-for-pound the two best jokes of all time. I laugh every single time.

2 jokes in just 13 letters is absolutely amazing. The words, absolutely amazing, need more letters than that.

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🗣️ Christopher Nolan

The writing in Oppenheimer was “aphorism-level efficient”. I can’t imagine saying so much with so few words.

Your movies haunt me more than scary movies.

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🗣️ Steven Spielberg

Movies have such a good “Return on Attention” because they are the most expensive stories ever told.

And most of your stories are half of the best stories. 🙏

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🗣️ Jeff Probst

Survivor is Life, Jeff. Not fire.

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🗣️ Melvin Vopson

In 50 years, you’ll be as famous as Einstein. I don’t know why scientists are so obtuse.

Correction: I don’t know why scientists without top secret clearance to classified physics are so obtuse.

Your mass-energy-information equivalence principle is the most important thing to happen in physics since E=MC^2. ⚛️

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🗣️ BJ Novak

I love Vengeance.

I make all my house guests watch it, just so I can watch it again.

I wish I wrote that movie. And I feel that way more each time I rewatch it.

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🗣️ @littlechineseeverywhere

My wife and I went everywhere with you.

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🗣️ Baby Boomers

You campaigned for peace and love when your parents ran our country.

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But during your time running our country, all we got was war and debt.

What happened to all your morals?

The Greatest Generation definitely gave birth to The Worst Generation.

The stats don’t lie. 📈

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🗣️ Luis Elizondo

You are a true American hero (despite your counter intelligence). 🫡

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🗣️ Travis

Sing, Side, Moving, Pipe Dreams, Turn, Writing to Reach You, A Ghost, and My Eyes are some of the most played songs on my Spotify. 🙏

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🗣️ Bill Burr

We must have similar inner monologues.

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🗣️ nassimtaleb

Your Incerto is a masterful display of both maths and literature.

You are just so right about so many thing. I have never enjoyed feeling intellectually bullied so much.

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🗣️ Jesse Michaels

The $50k you offered for proof of the Biefield-Brown effect was gangster bro.

American defense contractors are definitely hoarding intel that dramatically transform the living conditions for all of humanity. 💯

One day, when my grandkids are riding in flying cars that don’t even need batteries, I want them to know you were on the front lines knocking down those walls. 👊

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🗣️ Hal Puthoff

I also live in Austin. I would love to buy you coffee or dinner any time, any where.

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🗣️ Sal Khan

People will still be learning from you a hundred years from now.

Maybe a thousand.

You upskilled our whole species. 🙏

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🗣️ Ryan Gosling

If a movie is masterfully acted, masterfully directed, masterfully shot, and masterfully edited, then it was masterfully produced.

I give Project Hail Mary two thumbs down. 👎👎

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🗣️ P!nk

You make me wanna be a girl, just so I can have girl power.

I scream your songs with my girls all the time.

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🗣️ Alex Guarnaschelli

My daughter, Anna, and I love all the Iron Chefs, but you are our favorite. We have watched you cook everything.

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🗣️ Dan Ariely

I wish I could make science as easy to understand as you do.

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🗣️ @MrBeast

Wow bro, you engineered the greatest “attention pyramid scheme” of all time.

You are the GOAT of attention hacking. 🫡

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🗣️ Taylor Sheridan

Lighting with the Yellow Hair may be the greatest fictional character of all time. Brava.

The writing in her narration is as timeless as Shakespeare. For real. You made this 50-year-old man aspire to be an 18-year-old girl.

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🗣️ Dr. Douglas Petrovich

I’ve watched hours and hours of your videos. I wish churches would play your lectures on the Hebrew language, Jacob, Joseph, Ephraim, and Manasseh to their congregations on Sundays. I’d love to geek out over ancient Middle Eastern history with you at the Oriental Institute.

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Know one of these people IRL? Text this story to them.

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🗣️ Jimmy Fallon

Based on the total views per day across all your channels, you probably produce more smiles per day than anyone who ever lived. 😁 There aren’t many people who can give that much. Thanks man, our world needs it.

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🗣️ Andy Stanley

In my book Uncertainty: The Computer Science of Everything, I wrote, “If I could influence you to make two changes to your life from reading this book, it would be to listen to the Bible at night and watch Andy Stanley on YouTube once each week.”

My family has been watching you for 20 years because are the best explainer of the Bible on the Internet. 🙏

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🗣️ Jack Weatherford

The History of Money and Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World should be required reading in high schools. They are superb.

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🗣️ Jared Diamond

Guns, Germs, and Steel is a masterpiece. You managed to bottle all of human history.

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🗣️ Roger Penrose

Thank you for being so smart. Orch OR Theory is probably the most important breakthrough in neuroscience ever. A hundred years from now, kids will learn about the quantum superradiance in their brains in grade school.

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🗣️ @expeditionbible

I absolutely love your channel.

Preachers should play your videos during church. They are a better return on attention than half the sermons I’ve heard.

Your passion is infectious.

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🗣️ Erik Dalton

I wish Western Medicine cared about what you are doing.

I wish they cared about fascia, period.

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🗣️ @wildernesscooking: Su-pair 👍

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🗣️ richpeoplewithlavishyachts

I’m the most entertaining dinner guest you will ever have on your boat.

Try me.

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🗣️ Sir David Attenborough

Thank you for trying to save our planet, but people don’t listen.

Now we have 5 thousand snow leopards and 74 billion Cornish Cross chickens. 🤑

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🗣️ Jeff Bezos

The technological deflation you forced on the global economy is unprecedented in the history of the world

By several different measures.

The life of everyone who lives after you will be indirectly improved by you.

Your total net worth divided by the total number of Amazon users is $450, and ALL OF US got a good deal on that trade.

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🗣️ First Female President

Just think about how much better our country would be if we had gender quotas in Congress.

If 50% of Congress were women, we wouldn’t spend $900 billion dollars per year on war while we still have citizens sleeping under bridges.

I’ve been in so many budget negotiations with men over the last few decades, that now I #votegirl regardless of political party.

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🗣️ Dave Chappelle

You are the king of the American chapel right now.

Don’t let up, we need it. Even the tiki-torch whites laugh with you. 💪🏾

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🗣️ Brene Brown

I nominate you as “America’s mom”.

Can we train an AI to be you and have Apple replace Siri with you on our phones?

I would love to ask you questions every day.

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🗣️ Azeem Azhar

I finally took your advice from that dinner we cohosted at SXSW. I documented 27,000 hours of scientific research into life, the universe, and Everything.

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🗣️ Dr. Steven Greer

It’s incredible what you have accomplished with just volunteers and donations.

I believe everything you’re saying, but even if only 10% was true, it’s still the biggest cover-up of everyone’s lifetimes.

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🗣️ Walter Isaacson

Benjamin Franklin is one of my all time heroes and you wrote the best book on him.

I’m planning a future summer in Oregon, Michigan, or Vermont with no cell service—just so I can read five more of your books.

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🗣️ James Nestor

I recommend Breath to people as much as any other book. When I started reading it, I couldn’t believe that someone could write an entire book about breathing. By the time I finished, I couldn’t believe how ignorant I was.

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🗣️ Jordan Peterson

12 Rules for Life should be required reading in high school. All my kids have listened to you read it. 🦞

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🗣️ Annie Duke

Our whole family uses the verb resulting now.

Whenever I want to recommend behavioral economics books to concrete people, I suggest Thinking in Bets.

@reader: If you imagined “concrete people” as people made out of concrete, then you are concrete. 😁

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🗣️ Thomas Piketty

r > g is the most important formula that every government is ignoring.

Especially America.

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🗣️ Lorne Michaels

It really is fun to watch the monkeys at the zoo.

Based on all the television series, specials, and movies that you have produced, has anyone ever harvested more total seconds of human attention than you?

Your “Return on Attention” is way better than all the products produced by Zuckerberg.

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🗣️ Dr. Kurt Wise

I wish I could download your brain into mine.

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🗣️ Jason Isbell

A lot of your songs feel like they are telling my personal story.

And I think you make most people feel that way.

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🗣️ Kelly Clarkson

You may be the least fake person that every single person on Earth would get along with.

From 4-year-olds to 100-year-olds, from white people to black people, from east people to west people, from redneck people to urban people, from girls to guys, and everything in between.

I think you could be every single person’s best friend.

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🗣️ Simon Cowell

Your golden buzzers make me cry every time. I can’t get enough.

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🗣️ Hayes Carll

I’ve partied harder than most people ever will in this lifetime and the sunrises I watched with you were some of the best nights of my life. 🌅

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🗣️ Elon Musk

You have already conquered 4 out of the 5 Domains of War identified by the US Armed Services: Space, Air, Land, and Cyber. To conquer the Sea, maybe you could run a freshwater pipeline to the top of the Colorado River? Eventually energy will be cheap enough to turn Arizona green. 🌾

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