The Songs

@midjourneybot: /imagine: song of solomon

The Old Testament is known as the Tanakh in Hebrew. When Jesus referred the Tanakh in Luke 24:44, he specifically mentions it has three main sections in a specific order: the Law, the Prophets, and the Psalms.

Let’s read it in context. After Jesus’s death and resurrection, he just materializes into a room in front his apostles.

Luke 24: 36 And as they were saying these things, He Himself stood among them. He said to them, “Peace to you!” 37 But they were startled and terrified and thought they were seeing a ghost. 38 “Why are you troubled?” He asked them. “And why do doubts arise in your hearts? 39 Look at My hands and My feet, that it is I Myself! Touch Me and see, because a ghost does not have flesh and bones as you can see I have.” 40 Having said this, He showed them His hands and feet. 41 But while they still were amazed and unbelieving because of their joy, He asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?” 42 So they gave Him a piece of a broiled fish, 43 and He took it and ate in their presence.

44 Then He told them, “These are My words that I spoke to you while I was still with you—that everything written about Me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets, and the Psalms must be fulfilled.” 45 Then He opened their minds to understand the Scriptures. 46 He also said to them, “This is what is written: The Messiah would suffer and rise from the dead the third day, 47 and repentance for forgiveness of sins would be proclaimed in His name to all the nations, beginning at Jerusalem. 48 You are witnesses of these things. 49 And look, I am sending you what My Father promised. As for you, stay in the city until you are empowered from on high.”

The Ascension of Jesus

50 Then He led them out as far as Bethany, and lifting up His hands He blessed them. 51 And while He was blessing them, He left them and was carried up into heaven. 52 After worshiping Him, they returned to Jerusalem with great joy. 53 And they were continually in the temple complex praising God.

I don’t know if Jesus floated up to heaven or flew around in the sky like Neo in the Matrix, but clearly Jesus can teleport his molecules into a room and still eat boiled fish. Why else is that detail important to the story?

Resorting the Bible

The original order of the books in the Tanakh is really important.

The Law contains the first five Books of Moses. It’s known as the Torah. They include Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. The stories in the Torah are easy for little kids to remember. They teach us about our birth (Genesis) and why we need to escape the “slavery” of our animal selves (Exodus). They teach us annoying rules similar to the ones our parents taught us (Leviticus). The last two books teach us how to face our fears and conquer obstacles (Numbers and Deuteronomy). The target audience for these stories ranges from nursery school to elementary school.

The Prophets contains six books:

  • Joshua & Judges

  • Samuel and Kings (“Books of the Kingdom”)

  • Isaiah

  • Jeremiah

  • Ezekiel

  • The Twelve (Minor Prophets)

“The Twelve” contains the stories of Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi.

The Prophets mostly tell stories about King David and, wow, are they salacious. David’s stories teach us the right and wrong ways to govern our lives. The Prophets also contain incredible and fantastical predictions about our future, like the prophecies in Isaiah and Ezekiel.

The Psalms just means “The Songs” in English. The 11 books that make up The Songs are Psalms, Proverbs, Job, Song of Solomon, Ruth, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes, Esther, Daniel, plus Ezra and Nehemiah (one scroll), along with 1 Chronicles and 2 Chronicles (one scroll).

All together, the Tanakh has 22 books, one for each letter of the Hebrew alphabet. The reason this is important is because the Bible is obsessively intentional about numbers. We’ve seen that all throughout this chapter.

Around 382 AD, the Catholic theologian “Saint Jerome”, split these 22 books apart for his translation of the Latin Vulgate Bible. All the Catholic and Protestant Bibles we have today are translated from the Latin Vulgate Bible. That’s how modern Christians got the 39 books of the Old Testament. But there’s really no reason Saint Jerome needed to do this. Modern Hebrew Bibles still present the 22 books of the Tanakh in its original order.

Saint Jerome also resorted the 27 books of the New Testament. In their original order, the 4 Gospels and Acts were followed by James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, and Jude. That’s because James and Jude were brothers of Jesus. Peter and John were best friends of Jesus. John brags about being Jesus’s best friend so much that I kinda feel embarrassed for him. 🤣

Here’s why that original order matters. The church is supposed to be the “bride of Christ”, right? That makes Jesus the groom. So the (4) Gospels are like (4) friends who personally know the groom you’re about to marry. Reading one of the Gospels is like getting a coffee with one of your fiancé’s oldest friends. They get a chance to tell you stories about their “glory days”, back when they used to party together and make miracles happen.

Each of the four gospel writers knows the groom in a different way:

Matthew is super Jewish about it. There’s no need for introductions or salutations, Matthew 1:1 immediately begins by listing Jesus’s genealogy of “who begat who” going all the way back to Abraham. He documents the genealogies, the stars of the Nativity, and Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount because Matthew is a Levi.

Mark is more of a warrior. He’s not a man of many words. Mark is concrete and realistic. Mark’s message to the bride of Christ is more like, “I know a King when I see one”.

Luke is a scientist. Luke would probably be working on Quantum Computers today. Luke’s testimony to the bride of Christ is like, “I promise you these totally insane miracles really happened.”

John is the philosopher. He begins with, “Jesus is the Logos", which means something like “Jesus is the avatar for the Original Logic at the beginning of time”.

Acts is kinda like the party after the wedding. Acts teaches the “bride of Christ” what kind of powers they gain from marrying this groom. The powers are pretty insane.

Here’s why the resorting of the New Testament by Saint Jerome is annoying to me. After these (4) marriage interviews and the wedding party, wouldn’t it make sense that the “bride of Christ” would like to hear from the groomsmen next?

Maybe we could hear from a brother of the groom?

Maybe we could hear from one of his best friends?

Doesn’t it make sense to “pass the mic” around the room to James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, and then Jude?

But instead of this order, “Saint Jerome” chose for ROMANS to come next.

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Saint Jerome made it way more complicated to see the Bible’s progression for the age of the reader. Paul’s letters to the churches in Asia and Europe have theology more appropriate for undergraduate students and Masters of Divinity students. Saint Jerome also put the best friends and brothers after Timothy, Titus, and Philemon which address old people interested in church leadership. 🙄

Jerome didn’t change any of the theology or the words, simply their order. You can read the 66 books of a modern English Bible and still get all the exact same information that is in the original 49 books, it’s just more difficult to unscramble in my opinion. For math nerds that care about the Cryptographic Bible Key, 49 basically means “create a new order for judgment” (7x7). 66 means “man is confused” (6x11).

If you want to learn more about the original order of the Bible, click here. I used this original order to create a custom playlist on my audio Bible app several years ago called “Inspired Order”. That’s what I listen to at night when I can’t sleep.

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Spiritual Puberty

The Songs are maybe my favorite books of the Bible to listen to because I love Wisdom. If you read my whole book, that is probably obvious. But there’s something else I like about these books that’s difficult to describe. The Songs have a different tone than the rest of the Bible. Whenever I read the words in these books, they feel like they should be set to music in a minor key.

These stories are somber. They are full of heartbreak and pain. There is a “teen angst” to these stories. If The Prophets are addressed to young people trying to “find their own identity” and The Gospels are addressed to the “bride of Christ”—then The Songs in the middle are written for people going through “spiritual puberty”.

Let’s just run down through the list of books for a few examples.

The first book in the list is Psalms. If you don’t know what to say when you talk to God, then head straight to Psalms. The Psalms were written by King David in first person on purpose because David was “a man after God’s own heart”. The best way to learn to pray is by speaking the Psalms out loud while you read them until you find your own voice. 🗣️

Proverbs is next. Proverbs is full of riddles that become ever more ingenious the more you dwell on them. Several of the poems in Proverbs are written in line couplets that don’t seem like they are related in any way. So it’s the job of the reader to figure out how the line couplets are the same and how they are different. Following the wisdom in Proverbs may be one of the fastest ways to mature spiritually.

After Proverbs is Job, which we have already discussed in this chapter. Job addresses the issue of why God allows suffering in the world, which is important for young theologians to understand.

Job is followed by Song of Solomon. The Bible doesn’t get any more “teen angsty” than Song of Solomon. This book is actually a theatrical play that focuses on young love. Just in case you didn’t know, when girls fall in love they become little STALKERS. When a girl has a crush, she will know the guy’s class schedule, when he works out, what he ate for lunch, who his friends are, what video games he likes, and his entire social media history. 🥰

Boys would be little stalkers too if they weren’t so CLUELESS. Boys become hopeless romantics. When a boy is lovestruck with a girl, he won’t eat or sleep because he’s too busy writing romantic poetry about how awesome her boobs are. Something similar happens all over the animal kingdom. 😍

Song of Solomon addresses actual puberty head on. Let’s read from its final chapter, here’s Song of Solomon 8.

Friend Ensemble: 8 Our sister is young;     she has no breasts.     What will we do for our sister     on the day she is spoken for? 9 If she is a wall,     we will build a fortress of money on her.     If she is a door,     we will enclose her with cedar planks.

Do I need to explain the wall and the door?

Bride: 10 I am a wall     and my breasts like towers.     So in his eyes I have become     like one who finds peace. 11 Solomon owned a vineyard in Baal-hamon.     He leased the vineyard to tenants.     Each was to bring for his fruit     1,000 pieces of silver. 12 I have my own vineyard.     The 1,000 are for you, Solomon,     but 200 for those who guard its fruits. Groom: 13 You who dwell in the gardens—     companions are listening for your voice—     let me hear you! Bride: 14 Hurry to me, my love,     and be like a gazelle     or a young stag     on the mountains of spices.

Be like a young stag on the mountain of spices? Whenever you’re reading Song of Solomon, replace the words “mandrakes”, “raisin cakes”, and “spices” with the word “Viagra” to help you understand the original meaning. 🤣

You can see in verse 9, that being a wall or a door was important to the bride's friends. In verse 10, she asserts, “I’m a wall” so “in his eyes I have become like one who finds peace”. I can’t speak for girls, but most guys don’t want to marry “a door”. I’m not slut shaming, I just think those kinds of relationships end exactly as fast as they begin.

I like the way Jay-Z says it in “Empire State of Mind”:

Lights is blinding, girls need blinders Or they can step out of bounds quick, the side lines is Lined with casualties who slipped in life casually Then gradually became worse – don't bite the apple, Eve! Caught up in the in-crowd, now you're in-style And in the winter it gets cold, en vogue with your skin out City of sin is a pity on a whim Good girls gone bad, the city's filled with them Mami took a bus trip, now she got her bust out Everybody ride her, just like a bus route "Hail Mary" to the city, you're a virgin And Jesus can't save you, life starts when the church ends

Share a rap song with your church friends.


The next book after Song of Solomon is Ruth. Ruth teaches guys how to be a good boyfriend and teaches girls how to be a good girlfriend. This story is kind and sweet and full of people honoring each other. I love this story.

Lamentations teaches us about break ups and loss.

The book of Ecclesiastes is sort of like that “drug talk” we all got in middle school. Remember how we all had to sit in the gym and listen to some former heroin addict warn us about our choices in life? In this case, the drug talk is from Solomon who is basically saying, “Look, I already drank everything, smoked everything, kept a harem of 1,000 hookers, and was the richest guy on Earth. None of that matters. You can never get high enough to escape your own reality.”

He’s right.

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The Birds and The Bees, Part 2

You know how a lot of our music today is about sex? Well the book of Esther is a song about sex too and she’s going to show you how its done.

In Esther, King Ahasuerus (Xerxes) is married to Queen Vashti. Xerxes was one of the most powerful rulers in history, governing all the lands between India, Turkey, and Ethiopia from his headquarters in Susa (in modern day Iran). Xerxes decides to throw a 180-day party to show off how awesome he is (just before he invades Greece to finish off what his father Darius started). During the party and in “high spirits from the wine”, he summons Queen Vashti and she flat out refuses to come. So Queen Vashti is subsequently banished from his presence.

We know from several extra-biblical sources that Xerxes’ invasion of Greece fails when King Leonidas of Sparta leads the stand at Thermopylae. This is an epic story that has been immortalized in several Hollywood movies. So Xerxes heads back home to Persia, which is where we pick up the story in Esther 2.

Esther 2: 1 Some time later, when King Ahasuerus’s rage had cooled down, he remembered Vashti, what she had done, and what was decided against her. 2 The king’s personal attendants suggested, “Let a search be made for beautiful young women for the king. 3 Let the king appoint commissioners in each province of his kingdom, so that they may assemble all the beautiful young women to the harem at the fortress of Susa. Put them under the care of Hegai, the king’s eunuch, who is in charge of the women, and give them the required beauty treatments. 4 Then the young woman who pleases the king will become queen instead of Vashti.” This suggestion pleased the king, and he did accordingly.

How crazy is this?

Xerxes appoints commissioners in 127 different provinces to find the hottest girls on the planet. Verse 7 says one of those girls is named Hadassah (Esther), who “had a beautiful figure and was extremely good-looking”.

Esther 2: 12 During the year before each young woman’s turn to go to King Ahasuerus, the harem regulation required her to receive beauty treatments with oil of myrrh for six months and then with perfumes and cosmetics for another six months. 13 When the young woman would go to the king, she was given whatever she requested to take with her from the harem to the palace. 14 She would go in the evening, and in the morning she would return to a second harem under the supervision of Shaashgaz, the king’s eunuch in charge of the concubines. She never went to the king again, unless he desired her and summoned her by name.

So Esther has to compete in a no-holds-barred sex contest against the hottest women in the civilized world who have been bathed in oil for a year. That’s crazy.

I wonder why evangelical pastors never teach these passages in church? 🤔

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Esther 2: 15 Esther was the daughter of Abihail, the uncle of Mordecai who had adopted her as his own daughter. When her turn came to go to the king, she did not ask for anything except what Hegai, the king’s trusted official in charge of the harem, suggested. Esther won approval in the sight of everyone who saw her. 16 She was taken to King Ahasuerus in the royal palace in the tenth month, the month Tebeth, in the seventh year of his reign. 17 The king loved Esther more than all the other women. She won more favor and approval from him than did any of the other young women. He placed the royal crown on her head and made her queen in place of Vashti. 18 The king held a great banquet for all his officials and staff. It was Esther’s banquet. He freed his provinces from tax payments and gave gifts worthy of the king’s bounty.

It’s kinda difficult to believe this story is in the Bible, which is why I’m highlighting it. I guess the moral of this story is that men are dogs—if you don’t pet them once in a while, they will go find another lap to lay on.

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The first few times you read the stories in The Songs, it appears that most of the women are in subordinated positions. But the closer you read them, the more you will find subtle clues about how they wield power. I like the way Mia Vardalos explains this power in the movie, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. The daughter is worried that she can’t go to night school because her dad is the head of the household. The mom tell the daughter not to worry by explaining, “Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.”

We see this in Esther’s story.

Esther 5: 1 On the third day, Esther dressed up in her royal clothing and stood in the inner courtyard of the palace facing it. The king was sitting on his royal throne in the royal courtroom, facing its entrance. 2 As soon as the king saw Queen Esther standing in the courtyard, she won his approval. The king extended the gold scepter in his hand toward Esther, and she approached and touched the tip of the scepter.

3 “What is it, Queen Esther?” the king asked her. “Whatever you want, even to half the kingdom, will be given to you.”

Xerxes is offering Esther half of the civilized world. That’s power.

Esther engineers a plot to expose Haman the Agagite and his plot to kill all the Jews. Esther’s plan works and Xerxes ends up hanging Haman on his own gallows, which is deliciously poetic.

3 Then Esther addressed the king again. She fell at his feet, wept, and begged him to revoke the evil of Haman the Agagite, and his plot he had devised against the Jews. 4 The king extended the gold scepter toward Esther, so she got up and stood before the king.

5 She said, “If it pleases the king, and I have found approval before him, if the matter seems right to the king and I am pleasing in his sight, let a royal edict be written. Let it revoke the documents the scheming Haman son of Hammedatha the Agagite, wrote to destroy the Jews who are in all the king’s provinces. 6 For how could I bear to see the disaster that would come on my people? How could I bear to see the destruction of my relatives?”

7 King Ahasuerus said to Esther the Queen and to Mordecai the Jew, “Look, I have given Haman’s estate to Esther, and he was hanged on the gallows because he attacked the Jews. 8 You may write in the king’s name whatever pleases you concerning the Jews, and seal it with the royal signet ring. A document written in the king’s name and sealed with the royal signet ring cannot be revoked.”

Esther was super smart in this story. Women are generally smarter than men, which is why we trust you so much. My wife owns half my stuff and all my calendar. She picks what we eat and where we live. She’s the “neck” of household.

It’s important for young girls to know that they have so much more to offer this world in addition to their beauty. For example, remember that play at the end of Song of Solomon? See in verse 11 how Solomon owns a vineyard that produces 1,000 pieces of silver per tenant? In verse 12, the bride says, “I have my own vineyard”. She doesn’t mean her “garden” or her “lilly”. The “vine” is a male part, based on the rest of Song of Solomon. This bride owns an actual business and contributes to her family’s financial success.

How cool is that? She even knows how much to pay the laborers for guarding her fruit (200 pieces). The Bible supports gender equality way more than most churches would lead you to believe. The first people to witness Jesus after his resurrection were women, which was unusual for the culture of the day. Jesus treated men and women the same.

Here’s another example in Proverbs 31. It’s a Song from a mother to her son about finding the ideal woman.

Proverbs 31:

1 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. 2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb!     Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers! 3 Do not spend your strength on women,     your vigor on those who ruin kings. 4 It is not for kings, Lemuel—     it is not for kings to drink wine,     not for rulers to crave beer, 5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed,     and deprive all the oppressed of their rights. 6 Let beer be for those who are perishing,     wine for those who are in anguish! 7 Let them drink and forget their poverty     and remember their misery no more. 8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,     for the rights of all who are destitute. 9 Speak up and judge fairly;     defend the rights of the poor and needy.

“Don’t spend your vigor on women who ruin kings” is basically what Bill Burr argues about “gold digging whores”—they are dangerous.

Remember in the story of 1 Enoch when Azazel weaponizes humanity too early? Azazel taught men to make swords and shields, but what did he teach women to make? Eyeliner, jewelry, and cosmetics. Those are the weapons against men. So are thong bikinis, nice teeth, and fresh haircuts.

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her     and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm,     all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax     and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships,     bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still night;     she provides food for her family     and portions for her female servants. 16 She considers a field and buys it;     out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously;     her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable,     and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff     and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor     and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows,     she has no fear for her household;     for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed;     she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,     where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them,     and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;     she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom,     and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household     and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed;     her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things,     but you surpass them all.” 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;     but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,     and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

This lady is incredible. She’s like Diane Keaton in the movie, “Baby Boom”. Her trading is profitable, she’s got her own orchard, she’s making applesauce, she’s delivering it to merchants, the affairs of her household are in order, and she’s dating the town veterinarian. She’s got it all.

@guys: while I’m mansplaining the Bible, notice how many times this woman needs to be praised? That’s your job. And when you’re tired of giving your girl compliments, give her some more. The Bible even gives you an example of what to say in verse 29 (test results).

Also notice in verse 23 that you are supposed to be respected by the elders of your land. The “city gate” is sort of like the break room or water cooler at your office. Do people respect you there? Does your boss (elder) respect you there? You’re supposed to have a seat at the conference room table. Are you working toward that? If your boss doesn’t respect you, and your coworkers don’t respect you, why would your wife respect you? Ya gotta earn it.

The reason women have to steal men from other women is because there’s not enough men like this to go around.

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The Final Songs

The last 3 books of the Tanakh are Daniel, Ezra and Nehemiah (one scroll), and 1 & 2 Chronicles (one scroll). They mainly focus on the Jewish Exile to Babylon and their subsequent return to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

There are plenty of miracles to recount in these stories, but the overall mood is still somber. God finally abandons his people in Jerusalem by handing them over to Nebuchadnezzar. In fact, we see “the writing on the wall” when God hand all the kingdoms of the world over to Cyrus the Great.

Here’s the conclusion to the Old Testament in its original order.

The Destruction of Jerusalem

15 But Yahweh, the God of their ancestors sent word against them by the hand of His messengers, sending them time and time again, for He had compassion on His people and on His dwelling place. 16 But they kept ridiculing God’s messengers, despising His words, and scoffing at His prophets, until the Lord’s wrath was so stirred up against His people that there was no remedy. 17 So He brought up against them the king of the Chaldeans, who killed their choice young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary. He had no pity on young men or young women, elderly or aged; He handed them all over to him. 18 He took everything to Babylon—all the articles of God’s temple, large and small, the treasures of the Lord’s temple, and the treasures of the king and his officials. 19 Then the Chaldeans burned God’s temple. They tore down Jerusalem’s wall, burned down all its palaces, and destroyed all its valuable articles.

20 He deported those who escaped from the sword to Babylon, and they became servants to him and his sons until the rise of the Persian kingdom. 21 This fulfilled the word of the Lord through Jeremiah and the land enjoyed its Sabbath rest all the days of the desolation until 70 years were fulfilled.

The Decree of Cyrus

22 In the first year of Cyrus king of Persia, the word of the Lord spoken through Jeremiah was fulfilled. The Lord put it into the mind of King Cyrus of Persia to issue a proclamation throughout his entire kingdom and also to put it in writing:

23 This is what King Cyrus of Persia says: The Lord, the God of heaven, has given me all the kingdoms of the earth and has appointed me to build Him a temple at Jerusalem in Judah. Whoever among you of His people may go up, and may the Lord his God be with him.

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➡️: Governing as King

⬅️: Escaping Addiction

⬆️: Table of Contents

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